Nov 23, 2023
Sigmund Freud posited that depression was the result of redirected aggression toward oneself, transforming dissatisfaction with others or external circumstances into self-directed negativity.
Self-pity is the fuel of depression. It’s a two-way connection — on the one hand, regular self-pity contributes to the emergence and development of depressive disorder. On the other hand, obsessive self-pity is a manifestation of depression itself. Self-pity also relates to the inexorability and unidirectionality of time, constantly reminding us that even God cannot revert the past.
A former client with addiction once shared a poignant reflection:
“Of course, since I was young, I understood that time is relative. According to Albert Einstein, when you grab a hot frying pan — a second feels like an eternity, and when you spend time with your beloved girlfriend — eternity flies by in a second. It was the same story for me with drugs — it seemed like I started using them yesterday, but in fact, it’s already been ten years. I look in the mirror, seeing a drug addict who looks vaguely like me in the past. This person is me. Like a smartphone, I would love to reset the mirror settings to go back to “factory settings”. But I know it’s impossible. Time can’t be reversed, but I’d like to get back that young, handsome, cheerful and healthy student of a prestigious university who still has his whole life ahead.
Now, I look at myself (a person who ruined his own life) with hate and pity, and I need to change something very quickly. However, these feelings are unproductive, and after a few seconds, I don’t want to change my life (for example, quit drugs), but get rid of this unpleasant pain of self-pity. The life of a person with an addiction is like living in a fog — time passes by so quickly, as if you’re constantly pressing the gas pedal. Later, when I switched from using psychostimulants to opioids, something happened with the time again. When there were no drugs, time stopped. It turns out that time can be stopped or, more precisely, slowed down. I realized this when I started using heroin and then methadone. The time during “withdrawal” is endless and painfully long. It feels like an hour or two has passed, while it was just three minutes. Here, I start feeling even more sorry for myself, as if I have no skin and I am an exposed nerve. I question myself, “How could I fail so stupidly — having injections for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?! How did I get to the point of having injections not for pleasure or buzz but just to be capable of getting out of bed?’” These thoughts initiate another cycle of self-pity, not leading to a desire to quit drugs, but on the contrary, to continue taking them to stop this terrible depression and self-pity”.
This narrative isn’t unique to substance abuse. Many experience similar feelings in dead-end jobs or failing relationships, staring at a reflection that’s lost its spark. Like my client, they look in the mirror and see a person with no light in the eyes, with wrinkles; dealing with obesity, chronic stress, and perhaps depression. They’ve lost joy, curiosity, motivation, and zest for life.
Then comes the moment of self-pity. “How could I let this happen?” “What an idiot I am?” “How could I connect my life with this jerk?” “The time has gone irrevocably! “I wasted my life for nothing!”
Self-pity often arises in situations of failure and stress, aggravated by thoughts and comparisons with other people who are [supposedly] more fortunate than ourselves.
What is self-pity?
Self-pity is a hidden hatred towards oneself for mistakes and wasted time, coupled with a yearning for punishment and an overarching sense of hopelessness. When a person feels sorry for themselves, it might appear outwardly as a plea for sympathy, yet it primarily unfolds as a silent, internal struggle. It often starts with introspective questioning, a positive step towards dispelling false beliefs. However, this quickly becomes detrimental when it leads to dramatic self-comparisons with more “successful” individuals, fostering a deep sense of hopelessness and hindering positive action.
Embracing self-pity equates to adopting a victim mentality. When overwhelmed by emotional distress, individuals frequently seek escape, not from the actual stressors (like substance abuse, unsatisfying relationships, or unfulfilling jobs), but from the anguish of self-pity itself. This quest for relief can unfortunately exacerbate the situation, leading to harmful behaviors such as alcohol abuse, overeating, compulsive shopping, gambling, or engaging in cybersex, further entrenching the cycle of self-pity and its negative consequences.
How do you break out of this vicious cycle?
Self-pity traps a person in a cycle of introspection, focusing solely on their problems and isolating them from others. This introspection creates a perception that their life is nothing but a series of issues.
It is impossible to eliminate self-pity, but you can cultivate a respectful and compassionate attitude towards yourself: the more self-compassion, the less self-pity. Self-compassion means being kind, understanding, and capable of admitting one’s imperfections without shame, anger, and despair. Self-compassion is about recognizing your potential rather than harboring self-hatred or a desire for self-punishment for your mistakes. It is the ability to support and reassure yourself, especially in situations of perceived failure.
A beneficial strategy is to redirect attention from oneself to others. As an exercise, consider how you would respond if a close friend faced the situation causing your self-pity:
Being self-compassionate means treating yourself with the same care, kindness, support and understanding you show to those you love.
Q-Medical / D.Avtonomov©
